lunes, 14 de marzo de 2016

Not that kind of love

I have lots of people who love me. I have friends and family, I'm loved as a daughter, a sister, a cousing, an aunt, a niece, friend, a best friend... But I've never been loved as a woman.
I had a boyfriend once... I think he was the only one that came closest to loving me for real, just like I did with him. But our time was short, we didn't got to know each other fully so who knows how that would've turned out.
The thing is, I strongly believe some people are not meant to have that kind of love. Romantic love, I mean. And I believe I'm one of them. Oh, is not that I don't want it, I just don't think I'll ever get it, I don't think I'll ever love someone enough to say they're the love of my life and, even more so, I don't believe anyone would ever feel that way about me.
First, I don't think I'm capable of doing it because that would mean I'd have to let my guard down, I'd have to let someone in deep enough to hurt me and, whenever I've done that as a kid (whether it was romantic or not), I also became kind of a minion for that person. I wanted to give them everything, I wanted to make their life better, I devoted my life to them.... Which, lets face it, it was way too much. I guess I never learned how to navigate the middle ground: it's all or nothing for me. And that's what broke my heart time and again until I shut it down for good.
And I don't believe anyone could ever love me that way either, because... well, nobody ever has. I'm 33 years old, I'm not a child anymore, if nobody was able to love me romantically when I was more inocent, a lot less jaded, more capable of showing my true feelings (and also younger, thinner, more lively)... why would they do it now?
Still, I dream of the day someone will come out of nowhere to prove me wrong, to sweep me of my feet and make me understand that I am worthy of love, that I am capable of love too, and that it's ok to be scared as long as I know I'm not alone anymore. Never again...
But that's the thing about dreams: I learned a long time ago that not all of them come true and the ones that do require a lot of sacrifice... and they're never exactly how you dream them. In this case, specifically, dreams are just pure fantasy.

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