I'm falling in love with someone that I'm not sure will love me back.
In the beginning I was just having fun, and so was he, therefor WE were in the right tracks. But the time passed and we're still together after almost four months, and our "relationship" has evolved into something more than just fun... Or at least I think so.
The thing is, as long as we were just having fun, I wasn't going to let myself feel something more for him, because it would have been pointless. Yeah, I know, you can't control what you feel and for whom... but I had to try, didn't I? I mean, if you know you can get hurt, you have to do your best to avoid it, even if is impossible. So there I was, doing my best to just have fun and not read too much into any little thing that he may say or do, and I was actually doing fine because, if there's something more frightening for me than falling for the wrong guy, is falling because I just want to fall. Meaning, he is not the kind of guy that I would usually fell for so, if I did, it might have something more to do with me needing to be in love with someone... anyone. And that's just pathetic.
So, like I said, everything was going fine, mainly because I always felt like he wasn't completely open with me, like he was guarding his heart against pain too, and that’s something I can understand. But it all change one night when we had "a talk", and he confided in me some of the things why he couldn’t get involved at the moment and why he felt so good with me and with what we had; you know... no commitment. Amazingly enough, that did it for me -and I think a little bit for him too- and I really started to fall in love with him after that.
I was supposed to close my heart completely, shut the door to the feelings that I knew were there waiting to come out. And yet... we both started to talk more sweetely than ever to each other, things that we had only hinted before, now we where telling them openly (like: my love, I miss you, I need you... even a very few whispered, kind of shamefully or kiddingly, I love you...). So, for me, there was a change inside that I could no longer ignore: I fell in love.
And yet, I'm still a bit scared that he doesn't feel the same way because I know is hard for him. But I’m most afraid of the fact that I still think he's not the kind of guy I would love... So, what if I'm just projecting what I want to happen? Worst, what if we're both doing it? Is that kind of felling meant to last? Does it have a real foundation? What will happen when we finally open our hearts and minds and decide to take the chance to love each other? Will we be capable of it?
On the other hand, he might not ever decide to openly love me –if he loves me-, which puts me in the exact position I was trying to avoid in the first place, but there's really nothing I can do about it now, can I? Right or wrong, for whatever reason or without any, I'm in love with him.